Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 9

I’m getting a new tattoo tomorrow.

Water color.

It’s my first big color tattoo.

I’m a bit nervous I’ll hate it.

The tattooer sent me her sketch and I hated it.

But I didn’t tell her I did.

I told her the things I liked about it and the things I liked about my inspiration picture I sent her and asked if it’s doable to implement those specific likes.

She said she’ll be free handing it and yes it’s easy to implement.

I responded, I trust you.

But fuck I’m nervous.

But I’ve seen her portfolio.

I like her work.

I really do.

So I know it won’t be shit.

But trust, man.

That’s hard for me.

I’m controlling at best.

More leaning ocd.

I waver between impulsive and compulsive on the daily.

So for her to say she’ll freehand it

Is like me saying let me just eat everything in the kitchen and see if I get fat.

It’s insane to me.

Yet, I’m attracted to it.

I want it.

I want to be open to trust.

To releasing my control.

I want to be free to receive her art.


Pray for me



Because I’m about to pay almost $1,000 for freedom.


lover of words

3 thoughts on “Journal 9

  1. If it makes you feel any better I’ll give you a wee story from my own personal experience…

    I have many tattoos of all different shapes and sizes – all designed and completed with my absolute controlling eye all over them.
    Even the ‘spur of the moment’ on holiday with friends ones 😉

    However, a couple of years ago, I needed to get an extremely important memorial tattoo.

    As I was deeply depressed and actively suicidal at the time I didn’t have the wherewithal to do anything really, let alone be so involved in the design and implementation of the tattoo.

    I gave the artist my theme and a specific quote to incorporate. Other than that I gave him carte blanche to do whatever he wanted.

    We covered the whole of my lower leg with, what is now, my most treasured and coveted tattoo.

    Not just because of who it commemorates but also, because even though I was numb to pretty much everything back then (including the near 15hrs of tattooing), it was the most rebellious, freeing and fulfilling experience of my life.

    I can only hope the same for you my friend…


    Liked by 1 person

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