I don’t often think of this day.
The day our grandmother died.
I had just run a half marathon and was told at the finish line, she was gone.
At the time I didn’t know how to hold that information.
Do I cry? Do I scream? What do I do with this grief and shock?
So I compartmentalized it.
But when I went to your house that day to pick up my laptop, you knew how to hold that grief.
You were sitting on the couch crying.
And I was scared by your tears so I did nothing.
I didn’t know how to empathize with you.
I wasn’t practiced in that kind of social situation.
So I left.
Even when you asked me to stay, I left.
I was so uncomfortable with your display of emotion that I had to leave and to this day I regret that decision.
Because I let you bleed with your feelings on that couch that day and every day since then I have been bleeding with remorse.
You deserved a friend that day and I wasn’t it.
And I hope one day you can forgive me for that selfish act because it’s been 8 years since then and I still don’t forgive myself for it.