Posted in Being Vulnerable

Goals surprisingly achieved

I just found this list today out of the blue and as I read over it I realised I actually achieved these things.

And you know how it makes me feel?

It makes me feel encouraged and proud of myself.

I made achievable goals and actually accomplished them.

I feel so lucky, especially on the recent job front, but I also feel excited!

I did it.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Is this burn out or depression?

Do you ever just want to go home and drown into your bed?

Imagining your bed will allow you to sink into the oblivion beyond the pillows.

I come back from vacation and I’m still exhausted.

Still barely motivated.

Hoping to find that spark of energy I once had.

Is it the never ending covid media cycle or is it me?

Why do I feel this way?

This lethargic.

I’m not sure.

But all I know is

The answer is somewhere under my blanket.

Posted in Relationships

Why do we feel we need to sell ourselves in order to be loved?

“Hi, my name is Brian and I love traveling the world, playing soccer and hunting.”

We list our hobbies hoping for a match. We think if we have many, we are more interesting, but if we have one then we must be a master of it.

The extreme nature of trying to stand out is honestly more interesting to me than the actual connections themselves. The whole study behind the scenes of who is in it for love, sex or boredom is what keeps me engaged.

The swiping isn’t the fun bit.

The inventory of psychological trauma is.

-B.

Posted in Living in Australia

Friday morning bus ride

…why do I find confrontation in Australia so cute

I’m on the bus to lake parramatta and a guy pressed the stop button to get off.

But the bus didn’t stop right away so the guy was like, “HEY!”

And the bus driver then abruptly stopped the bus then said, “You gotta give me more time than that mate!”

And the guy immediately started apologizing instead of getting angry.

“Sorry, sorry about that. Merry Christmas!”

But the driver was still a little upset so as the guy was stepping off he replied, “No need to shout at me like that, mate.”

Posted in Living in Australia

A little reflection on my career

So I majored in Finance, right?

But did I know what I wanted to do with that?

No.

I just chose Finance as a fuck you to my dad because he wanted me to do Accounting.

And I hated my Accounting classes.

Let’s be honest, no one likes accounting classes.

They’re full of dry words and jokes about balance.

So I chose Finance.

It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t miserable either.

And while I was studying I was also working on a hedge fund team for a major bank, so I thought this ain’t too bad right?

Until I realised after two years I was stressed, depressed and full of rage because my job was killing me from the inside.

But that’s the industry, right?

So suck it up, buttercup.

Yeah, nah.

So I moved across the country to another hedge fund team.

Now, that team I truly loved.

That team taught me everything and were also the first people who truly believed in me.

But then the company offshored my job two years later and again I was depressed and full of panic attacks.

So I jumped to another bank.

But this time not on a hedge fund team, but a treasury team.

This role was odd to say the least.

They hired me with no direction and left me to my own devices.

So what did I do?

I wrote letters to my pen pal.

For a year I got overpaid to do nothing.

But for the first time I wasn’t stressed or depressed, instead I was bored.

Very bored.

Next, I made a big leap and moved across the world to be with my pen pal.

I didn’t know where I would work or what I would do. I just knew what I didn’t want to do.

Now, three years later I have an inkling of what I may want to do only through multiple trials and errors.

And I’m realising this shit is hard.

This whole career thing.

I’m constantly curious and anxious about everything.

I want to know how everything works, but then I get too overwhelmed to start.

And unfortunately, this world doesn’t give you too many do overs.

At some point, I need to choose.

But at the same time I regret nothing.

My journey has been interesting and full of beautiful people who have changed my life so I thank the universe for all of it.

Even if it hasn’t been niche.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Perfect isn’t pretty

I feel as I get older I start to resonate more and more with my mom’s wise words, “looks don’t last forever”.

Yes, I was a shallow kid. Like most university students, I wanted to date the hottest guys. And I remember drooling over one guy and my mom gently reminding me, “it won’t be like that forever.”

And at the time I thought she was just talking about his body, but what I’ve come to realize is she was talking about all bodies.

Our bodies change.

We get older and they transform.

And this is usually met with denial and resistance, but maybe it doesn’t have to be.

Maybe perfect isn’t pretty.

What if what’s actually pretty is people’s “flaws”.

Because aren’t our flaws what bring us together and say, me too?

-B.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Comparison is the thief of joy. -Brene Brown

Something I’ve been working on for a few years now is my comparative thoughts.

I, like most people, am really hard on myself.

I have high expectations of where I should be in life and what I should look like throughout my life.

These expectations were molded by my family, but also by my environment.

But as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to question if these expectations were truly serving me.

Basically, was my practice of comparing myself to others helpful?

And I’ve painfully discovered, it isn’t.

It actually makes me feel like shit.

And if I truly love myself, why would I want to make myself feel this way?

I think, especially after losing my job last year due to covid, I realized I’m not okay with it.

The ego death I had during that time seriously awakened me to my humongous insecurity around being seen as intelligent, ambitious and productive.

And I battled greatly with this death.

I still do.

But what I came to realize was I am enough regardless of my productivity and achievements.

Of course, I’ll probably always secretly seek a little approval, but that seeking is diminishing.

And so are my comparative thoughts.

And it sucks that it took me hitting the fucking floor to acknowledge my worth.

I wish I had seen how powerful and capable I am prior to that moment.

But that’s life, right?

Sometimes we need to fall in order to fly.

-B.