My weight, like most girls, has always been an area of concern.
Since I was ten, I’ve been comparing myself to magazine covers and celebrities on TV.
I started covering my stomach, wearing loose clothes and sucking in.
As I played volleyball and grew taller, the weight slowly dispersed but the mindset stayed the same.
You’re only lovable if you’re fit.
Then I hit 17 and started counting calories and running with my boyfriend.
He was anorexic too.
I got down to 135lbs and my mom and sister started to worry.
They asked me to stop.
But my dad praised me.
He always loved skinny girls.
But what really got me to stop was when my bf told me the guys in the locker room stopped talking about me.
Because I had lost my curves.
I was of no interest to them.
And that scared me.
Because I wanted to be lovable right?
So I stopped counting calories and started eating more sugar.
Some of the weight came back.
But then I became vegetarian.
Again my obsessive nature kicked in and I lost the weight.
It was always All or Nothing for me.
And ten years later I can say it still is.
But I’m trying to fight it.
But I’m scared.
I don’t want to end up like them.
They’re both obese and have given up on life.
And I don’t want to end up like that.
So I’m constantly fighting.
Because I have been fat
And it’s not fun
And I have been super skinny
And it’s not fun either.
So I’m fighting for the balance
And it’s fucking hard.
But I’m here and I’m trying.