It’s very American to want to get married, I discovered.
Being in Australia the past few years I’ve come to realize the pressure here isn’t so high. The culture is less religious and the people are more relaxed. Many people here have babies before weddings and no one cares about the order. No one frets or fusses. They just live.
If they get married eventually, cool, but it’s not a big deal and I love that about Australia.
Because, for me, I don’t believe marriage serves a purpose. I find the idea very archaic and misogynistic. I don’t want to change my name or hope upon all hopes that he proposes just right. Or that he asks my dad for permission? Ew. Or that my dad walks me down the aisle? Double Ew.
All I see when I hear the word “marriage” is a trap. One big fat trap.
And why do we need to bring our relationship to the next level? Why do we think marriage is more serious than dating? Who decided this? Can’t we just move in together and be happily ever after? Can’t we just get a dog and call it good? Who needs a ring and a promise of forever? That’s fairytale shit.
I don’t need forever. I just need right now. Do you choose to love me today? Cool. That’s all I need. I just need today’s love. I don’t need tomorrow’s love. I don’t need reassurance that you’ll always be there because I’m not naive to think that we can promise always.
There is no always.
There is just now.
Right now I choose you.
And that’s all we can do.
It’s wild how I thought I wanted to marry you
And now I barely remember you.
I’m having a hard time watching you relax.
I’ve been up since 6am.
And it’s Saturday.
Why, you might ask?
Just my body clock telling me to pee.
Though, I have to say, I love this time of day.
Cuddling with him.
Being his big spoon.
Looking out the window
Watching the wind flirt with the tree.
It’s been magical
And it’s not just this morning
It’s every Saturday morning.
We sit here
Sip our coffee together
And I dream.
I dream about my past dreams.
How I always wanted this
And a book
Wrapped into one.
But honestly, it doesn’t feel real!
How did I get here?
I ask myself.
Do I even deserve this?
My man is literally cooking me breakfast right now.
Truly, I don’t deserve all of this?!
It is too beautiful.
And I know people say perfect doesn’t exist.
But those people never woke up in my dreams.
I’m so in love with my partner that it brings tears to my eyes.
The level of support I am gifted by him is unreal.
And his ability to create the most well designed spotify playlist is honestly beyond comprehension.
3 years going on 30.
Today I feel encouraged.
Thrilled for the evolution of women.
Because lately, I’ve been meeting more and more women who are okay with not having children.
And people, this is a big deal!
Because when I was growing up, I was surrounded by young, christian girls who believed their soul mission was to find a man, wait for sex, get married, and then pop out some babies.
And it was fucking discouraging for me to live up to such a mundane existence. And such a stringent one at that!
1. Waiting for sex? Shit I tried and I even pat myself on the back for getting to 20 years old at least. But it wasn’t for me. My libido was insane growing up and I wish someone had told me it was normal, that it was okay and even went so far as to hand me a vibrator. Because that would have been alot more fruitful than seeking dick for seven years and thinking I was a slut or worse, a bad christian.
2. Marriage? Nah bitch. This girl is too traumatized for that shit. I was raised with fighting, miserable parents staying together for god and the kids. I don’t want that.
3. Babies? Now that I’m thinking about once in a while, but the difference is I actually feel no pressure about it.
I feel very okay with having one or not having one.
And I even feel more okay having one and not being married first.
But yeah, meeting all these strong, beautifully capable women tell me they are pretty “meh” about the whole idea, is actually really exciting for me. They don’t feel rushed. They don’t feel confined.
They feel free.
And isn’t that a fucking victory for us?
I mean, it feels like it to me god damn it!
So let’s raise a glass to all the women out there deciding their life is more than just a vessel for children and pray those around them have the eyes to witness this evolution without being absolute fuckwits.
You know sometimes I think about myself and ask,
Am I dateable?
And I think about the app days
And how people would ask me what do you do for fun?
And now I would say,
I lay in bed at 645 and drink camomile tea.
Haha and there’s no shame in that. Like my life isn’t something to be pitched. I remember I use to pitch this story like I was something exciting when I never really was. Now being honest, I’m thinking, dude I like routine. I like sleep. And
I’m a grandma inside a 27yr old body.
And I’m completely cool with that.
The thing I like the most about being in a “long term” relationship. Haha “long term”. It has been 2.5 years. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it’s all I got so fuck off. Anyways, the thing I like the most about it is the reliability. I have tested this through and through and I know without a doubt that this relationship is reliable.
We are two people who can sit in a car for five hours and say nothing to each other.
We are completely content with the silence.
We don’t rely on each other for entertainment. We just float in our own thoughts and once in a while touch each other’s knee for a love check-in.
It is pretty bad ass.
It’s not awkward or weird.
And as introverts, we thrive in the stillness.
And to be able to rely on the stillness with him is probably the best gift he could give me.
He has a way with me.
The raise of his eyebrow.
The slant of his smile.
Funny how random
It all began.
Just one pen pal
He sent me a joke
And I responded.
Back and forth
Back and forth.
Until we reached for more.
But still we kept our
I didn’t know his name
Or what he looked like.
It was all just a game.
For a month straight
We played this game.
For that one email
From each other.
That if we escalated the stakes
The other would leave.
You see, the fun
Was in the mystery.
We could say anything
To each other
Because we truly believed
It was all make believe.
But then he asked to see me.
“Do you want to skype?”,
And I was petrified.
I wanted him to stay
Only in my dreams.
I didn’t want the game to end.
Yet, my curiosity said yes.
And that night
I finally saw what he looked like.
And you could say,
I was more than surprised.
Because there in front of me
Was a remarkably above average
With a slanted smile
And a sparkle in his eye.
And you best believe
I was goddamn awkward
On that video call.
It was like meeting
My crush for the first time
And him telling me
He liked me too.
But he handled it
Like a gentleman.
As he always tends to do.
Two years later,
I sit here with him.
As if how we met
Because it feels like
I’ve always known him.
I like to believe