Posted in Being Vulnerable

Living with him

I was always afraid of who I would encounter, Jekyll or Hyde.

And now as an adult, I still don’t trust him or anyone.

I’m always wary.

Searching for the monsters in your closet.

I don’t believe anyone’s pure.

So show me your monsters before I find them myself.

-B.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

My accomplishments in life

My accomplishments

  1. I stood up to my dad and decided my own path in life
  2. I performed well in school and tried my best
  3. I ran a half marathon when I was 21
  4. I moved across America for a new job when I was 23 and I was all alone
  5. I have maintained my fitness passion since I was a kid
  6. I have gone to therapy and put the work in to emotionally grow as a person and have the language for my feelings
  7. I have moved across the world to be with someone I love
  8. I have made friends through facebook and have actually maintained friendship
  9. I have become honest with my family about my past trauma and decided to live a more vulnerable life
  10. I have chosen to create healthy boundaries in my life that I didn’t have before
  11. I have chosen joy over productivity
Posted in Being Vulnerable

Childhood trauma

When I was a child, I organized everything. My mom says, even my diaper bag was packed by me, I was that meticulous. As I grew up, I shared a room with my sister and the one thing we would always fight about was the order of the room.
I wanted it perfect.
I don’t think any of them realized this at the time, but the order kept me calm. It still does.
Because as a child I was anxious about everything: the dark, heights, strangers, under performing at school, and my dad.
I grew up during the time of belt and wooden spoon spankings, but I have to say the belt was worse. The snapping of a belt still triggers me.
Now that wasn’t all that worried me about him.
What really worried me about him was how volatile he was.
Every day was uncertain.
It was like walking in a war zone when you don’t know where the bombs are buried. I felt my heart race when he would snap his fingers at us to stop talking. I felt like hiding when he would start yelling.
I didn’t know where the abuse would land, but usually it landed on my brother.
My beautiful, big brother always protected us from him. And so did my mom.
My mom tried her hardest to shield us from his fury. But I know the damage this caused her.

You wonder where anxiety comes from, sometimes it comes from within your own home.

Please seek help for your childhood trauma.
You are always worthy of help.

-B.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Bleeding from the inside

You don’t know this, but your discomfort with my tears caused more wounds than I’ve been able to heal.

I’m bleeding with shame, caught in your trauma.

You think I don’t remember, but your face said it all.

“I can’t handle this”, it read.

So I’ll make fun of her instead.

Posted in Living in Australia

Dinner time

You eat like a starving dog

With your lips smacking

And your tongue squishing and swashing before you decide to

GULP

I must add I have no idea how people like ASMR because I’m in between wanting to puke or punch.

The sounds disgust me.

The slurping

Crunching

Swallowing

Fucking finish your food already

Before I bellow

Posted in My Poetry

Dear dad

My feelings about you seem to waiver between resentment and gratitude

And I don’t know how to live between the two

So today I am choosing gratitude.

I’m choosing to see the best in you

Even when I know you will never change.

I’m choosing to see the best in you

Even when I know you don’t see the best in me.

I’m choosing to see the best in you

Because I’m tired of judging you.

You have your demons

And I have mine.

But today I choose to see your wings.

Because you have never left me

And have always told me you love me

Even if your actions didn’t show it.

At least I heard it.

Because many women I know haven’t.

So I’m grateful for that.

For your love and your choice to stay,

Mr. Ray.

Posted in My Poetry

2 am thoughts

I woke up to the flame

The fire dancing between your fingers

You giggled as I stared

Scared you would burn

But you never did

You and him

Always knew how to play between the lines

How to push boundaries

Face fears

You both laughed in the face of danger

Ha

Ha

Ha

But I never did

Instead, I was your Zazu.

Scared of getting caught

Scared of getting burned

I toed the line

Until one day the line burred

And I became the flame