Posted in Living in Australia

Friday morning bus ride

…why do I find confrontation in Australia so cute

I’m on the bus to lake parramatta and a guy pressed the stop button to get off.

But the bus didn’t stop right away so the guy was like, “HEY!”

And the bus driver then abruptly stopped the bus then said, “You gotta give me more time than that mate!”

And the guy immediately started apologizing instead of getting angry.

“Sorry, sorry about that. Merry Christmas!”

But the driver was still a little upset so as the guy was stepping off he replied, “No need to shout at me like that, mate.”

Posted in Living in Australia

Uniforms

You can always spot a kid in Sydney.

Regardless if they go to a public or private school, they all wear uniforms.

Very old school uniforms with hats, ties and bulky black shoes.

Honestly they look like maids or people auditioning for Mary Poppins.

It’s weird.

No child is in jeans.

They’re all dressed like adults, especially the boys. I see them on the trains normally wearing pants, ties and even jackets like they’re going into the office.

When did we decide to take their childhood away and replace it with adulthood at way too young an age?

I get establishing responsibility, but this shit feels wrong.

But I guess the one positive thing about it is they’re safe, right?

The adults know who are kids and who are adults on public transportation and so maybe that prevents anything weird from happening?

I don’t know.

I’m not a parent.

I’m just a quiet observer.

-B.

Posted in My Poetry

2 am thoughts

I woke up to the flame

The fire dancing between your fingers

You giggled as I stared

Scared you would burn

But you never did

You and him

Always knew how to play between the lines

How to push boundaries

Face fears

You both laughed in the face of danger

Ha

Ha

Ha

But I never did

Instead, I was your Zazu.

Scared of getting caught

Scared of getting burned

I toed the line

Until one day the line burred

And I became the flame

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Bless and block

From the great words of Glennon Doyle, “Bless and block, baby. Bless and block. “

When dealing with haters or toxic relationships just remember you are in control of your island. You choose who you let the drawbridge down for.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Joe Rogan podcast

“I let my trauma time travel.” – Jason Wilson

This episode has me feeling all the feels. Grown men, fathers, talking about their vulnerabilities always gets me teary. He told Joe, “Don’t let your trauma time travel.”

And don’t I know I do that. I not only let it time travel. I let it brood and take pieces of me. I drag it around with me like an anchor, yet never let it down when I get to shore. There is no shore. I just sail in circles brooding and shaking with anger.

But here is this grown man who has experienced a thousand more times the trauma than I have telling Joe to let it go.

It doesn’t serve you.

Stop bleeding and go get healed.

Life is more than just our pain.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

I make dark jokes

I get it from my dad

We always did have the same sense of humor

My sister does it too actually

She once laughed when telling me someone died

She couldn’t help herself

She was nervous

It just spilled out

And I understood

We don’t deal with tragedy like most

We cope through humor

Instead of tears

And I love that about us

And I love that about him

Because I know of the pain he’s gone through

Even though he won’t tell me

Because I can hear it

When his laugh tells me

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Dating me

I imagine dating me is like constantly changing lanes on the highway while watching a car crash.

I’m a zero to one hundred kind of gal.

What can I say?

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 20

Did I tell you I got a nutritional therapist?

I was afraid I was becoming addicted to sugar.

It runs in the family.

And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be like my family.

I want to be better.

So I hired her.

And we took a deep dive into my family, into my trauma, and into why I sometimes emotionally eat.

And she started slow.

She suggested increasing my water intake.

And making healthy brownies instead of buying chocolate.

And that helped.

But that rejection the other day triggered another emotional response.

And the first day, I surprisingly didn’t eat my feelings.

I felt alright and I thought I talked it all through with my friend back home.

But then the weekend came.

And with it came the shopping, the distractions and the reach for old, happy memories.

And honestly I don’t feel shame about it.

Because I know why I did it.

I have pain inside me that needs to be seen.

I need to cry more and I’m really bad at making time to cry.

But I know I need to try because this pain has been with me for a decade now at least and I’m tired of getting so hurt when people don’t want to be my friend anymore.

It’s just getting ridiculous, you know?

Because I know my worth.

And I am a good friend.

And I am a good person.

So if I know this about myself, then I shouldn’t let these comments or actions stick to me.

I should treat them like rain on a duck’s back and just let it slide right off me.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 19

It slides down like butter

Hot

And

Burning.

And there come the goosebumps

The heavy breathing

The release

All I want is to not regret it

The taste of you

Hot Cheetos

Was worth this painful poo

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 18

And just like that

I got rejected.

By another one.

Damn sensitive American girls.

And I can say that!

I’m American.

She thinks we’re not a good fit because on Friday she went to an event I went to and I didn’t sit with her.

Talk about unreasonable.

And no, she wasn’t alone.

She came with all her friends who were visiting from out of town. Our table was full. She had to find another table and I didn’t sit with her.

I’m sorry I fucked up.

In all honesty, I thought she was fine. She was catching up with her friends. But no, the girl got upset.

Now she doesn’t want to be friends.

Literally this is insane to me.

I actually apologized too.

I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I honestly thought she was fine hanging with all of her friends.

But nope.

She’s done.

Just dropped me.

And I’m a good fucking friend!

Literally when I was in college, I walked out of a class for my friend Catherine because she text me saying she needed me.

Yeah, I’m that girl.

I’ll move mountains for you if I have to.

And she drops me because I didn’t sit with her?

Such a fucking quitter.

And you know what sucks, it fuckin hurts.

Even though it’s unreasonable, the rejection still hurts.

I actually even cried when I got home.

Yeah, I can be a damn sensitive American too.

But you know what?

I’m not giving up.

I know my best friend is out there somewhere and I’m not closing up shop just because one girl can’t get over the fact I didn’t sit with her and all her friends.

I’m not miss hosty, okay.

You’re an adult. You can manage yourself at an outdoor concert.