Posted in Being Vulnerable

Getting caught up

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I get caught up in goals. Especially when there are high stakes.

For example, I agreed to run a half marathon in September with my friend Emilie and my partner, Josh.

You may not think this sounds like high stakes, but I have a huge fear of letting people down so for me the pressure is on. But I like it. I actually need this kind of stress. This kind of fear. It moves me. It gets me fired up not to fail.

So I’ve been running. And of course I started off running every day, which led to a calf injury. There’s the all or nothing side of me showing, but I am proud to say I quickly recovered and learned from my mistakes. So now I run every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Also maybe Saturday if I’m up for it. I also realized I am getting addicted to running again like when I was in university. And it feels fucking great. The progress, the adrenaline, the competition, the community. It feels like home to me.

But will I get too caught up?

That’s the question.

And is being too caught up a bad thing?

Not necessarily.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m very excited to be back into running, but I’m also a little scared I’ll burn out.

I mean, that’s how athletes are born, right?

And I think that’s normal for extremists like me.

We’re constantly swinging in between this pendulum trying to find home. But scared that if we do find it, it won’t be enough. It’s a very up and down lifestyle. And it’s more exhausting for others to witness than to live through myself, trust me 😂 but I do want to be consistent now. That’s another thing with being extreme. I can lose my consistency and then be really hard on myself for doing so, which I have done many times in the past. Yet this time feels different. I was smart and actually joined a running group because I finally learned I don’t stay consistent unless I have accountability and that accountability can NOT come from my partner.

Trust me, accountability from a partner leads to very bad outcomes, at least for me. There’s just too many feelings involved and there’s no way for me to separate them so running group it is!

And this group is great. They’re women from all walks of life who just want a little accountability and a little friendship. No one cares about their time or distance. They just want to finish and I love that because it helps balance me out when I see how happy they are just showing up.

So maybe just maybe I won’t get too caught up this time.

Ha! Here’s to hoping.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

I don’t know how to stay

At a job longer than two years.

I’ve never done it.

I keep chasing greener grass.

I get bored or the team changes or the culture disintegrates or I believe they’re holding me back

I always find a reason.

I give it my all the first six months truly

And then something happens.

Something changes

Either it’s the team, the company or me

And then I bounce

I get antsy man.

And I try to understand people who stay.

People who have created a family there but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

I love the idea of family at work

But I also love the idea of career progression and being well paid.

And being challenged.

Maybe it’s my father in me.

He always did bounce around jobs in his twenties.

Chasing that dollar.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I have goals man.

I want a house.

I want tattoos.

I want to travel.

So I keep swiping and scrolling for that next job.

That next high.

Because I ain’t comfortable yet.