Posted in Being Vulnerable

Overwhelm

The emotion that leaves you doing nothing.

As Brene Brown says in Atlas of the Heart, when she was overwhelmed, she was blown.

And right then, my world made sense.

Overwhelm for me feels like a slow fog rolling in.

I feel it creeping up in the morning as if it’s been waiting on the shores.

And yesterday was one of those days.

Yet I kept working anyway.

I told myself, I can’t take a mental health day every time I feel overwhelmed.

That’s not fair.

So I worked.

And then I cried.

At work.

On a teams call.

Yeah…I turned the camera off.

But damn I hate when overwhelm won’t let me ignore it.

It honestly forces itself outside of my body and onto my face with tears.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it so I let it happen.

I cried.

And I said I was having an emotional day.

And luckily She understood.

But fuck I was embarrassed.

But why?

Why have I been trained to be embarrassed for my emotions?

They are normal.

And crying is actually beneficial in relieving stress.

So what my body forced me to do was good.

But my mind hated it.

And that is something I am realising I desperately need to change.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Bleeding from the inside

You don’t know this, but your discomfort with my tears caused more wounds than I’ve been able to heal.

I’m bleeding with shame, caught in your trauma.

You think I don’t remember, but your face said it all.

“I can’t handle this”, it read.

So I’ll make fun of her instead.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Growth check in

1. I am now able to eat dark chocolate every day and not over eat.

2. I am now able to run a half marathon.

3. I am getting comfortable crying. I have cried almost every day the past two weeks and I see this as an accomplishment of facing my emotions in a healthy way.

4. I am letting go of my insecurity about my butt.

5. I am opening up to my partner more and checking my ego when it gets triggered.

6. I have meditated for 18 days straight.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

This is my safe place…anxiety attack

I don’t know why my anxiety is so bad today. I just feel so overwhelmed and like I can’t cope. I feel like crying alot. I feel restless. I feel just on the verge. Like I’m trying everything I can do to be healthy and do the right thing and it’s so hard. These feelings are so hard. Choosing not to numb myself is so hard.

Posted in My Poetry

Dear dad

My feelings about you seem to waiver between resentment and gratitude

And I don’t know how to live between the two

So today I am choosing gratitude.

I’m choosing to see the best in you

Even when I know you will never change.

I’m choosing to see the best in you

Even when I know you don’t see the best in me.

I’m choosing to see the best in you

Because I’m tired of judging you.

You have your demons

And I have mine.

But today I choose to see your wings.

Because you have never left me

And have always told me you love me

Even if your actions didn’t show it.

At least I heard it.

Because many women I know haven’t.

So I’m grateful for that.

For your love and your choice to stay,

Mr. Ray.

Posted in My Poetry

2 am thoughts

I woke up to the flame

The fire dancing between your fingers

You giggled as I stared

Scared you would burn

But you never did

You and him

Always knew how to play between the lines

How to push boundaries

Face fears

You both laughed in the face of danger

Ha

Ha

Ha

But I never did

Instead, I was your Zazu.

Scared of getting caught

Scared of getting burned

I toed the line

Until one day the line burred

And I became the flame

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 18

And just like that

I got rejected.

By another one.

Damn sensitive American girls.

And I can say that!

I’m American.

She thinks we’re not a good fit because on Friday she went to an event I went to and I didn’t sit with her.

Talk about unreasonable.

And no, she wasn’t alone.

She came with all her friends who were visiting from out of town. Our table was full. She had to find another table and I didn’t sit with her.

I’m sorry I fucked up.

In all honesty, I thought she was fine. She was catching up with her friends. But no, the girl got upset.

Now she doesn’t want to be friends.

Literally this is insane to me.

I actually apologized too.

I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I honestly thought she was fine hanging with all of her friends.

But nope.

She’s done.

Just dropped me.

And I’m a good fucking friend!

Literally when I was in college, I walked out of a class for my friend Catherine because she text me saying she needed me.

Yeah, I’m that girl.

I’ll move mountains for you if I have to.

And she drops me because I didn’t sit with her?

Such a fucking quitter.

And you know what sucks, it fuckin hurts.

Even though it’s unreasonable, the rejection still hurts.

I actually even cried when I got home.

Yeah, I can be a damn sensitive American too.

But you know what?

I’m not giving up.

I know my best friend is out there somewhere and I’m not closing up shop just because one girl can’t get over the fact I didn’t sit with her and all her friends.

I’m not miss hosty, okay.

You’re an adult. You can manage yourself at an outdoor concert.