Posted in Being Vulnerable

I make dark jokes

I get it from my dad

We always did have the same sense of humor

My sister does it too actually

She once laughed when telling me someone died

She couldn’t help herself

She was nervous

It just spilled out

And I understood

We don’t deal with tragedy like most

We cope through humor

Instead of tears

And I love that about us

And I love that about him

Because I know of the pain he’s gone through

Even though he won’t tell me

Because I can hear it

When his laugh tells me

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Mindset

I think my mindset is changing.

I feel myself questioning my mind.

Re-evaluating

Re-examining

I was so obsessed with a certain body type for so long, but now all I want is to be fit.

To be strong.

To be able to run for hours without stopping.

I feel like a lock has been opened and I can finally see through the door.

I don’t need to be you

And you don’t need to be me.

Instead, all we need to be is free.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Progress

I’ve been using this app called, Noom, the past month and have been pleasantly surprised.

This app makes you log your weight everyday so you get over your fear of the scale, then it gives you ten minutes of reading every day so you educate yourself on why you eat the way you do, and lastly it gives you a goal specialist so you have someone who keeps you accountable on your journey who isn’t your partner or friend.

And of course, you track your food intake and exercise.

It honestly has given me back my control in my eating life and in my overall health.

I tend to be such an extreme person and do All or Nothing thinking, but through this app I was taught that that kind of thinking is a thought distortion. That means, it’s a lie. My all or nothing thinking not only isn’t logical, but it doesn’t work. For example, I thought I could never have ice cream in the house because I would eat it all. Because all or nothing. But this app taught me to practice exposure. So I did. And I can now say I’m a proud owner of a week old ice cream in my freezer.

Which means, I do have self control.

I can do this moderation thing.

I don’t have to be so restrictive anymore.

So extreme.

And that is really encouraging for me because I want this lifestyle to last. I’m tired of letting my cravings win. I’m tired of binging then feeling guilty. I’m tired of all of the negative thoughts.

And I am confident to say I truly believe I don’t have to live with them anymore.

I am in control.

I do respect my body.

And I will make this last.

Because like Jocko always says, discipline equals freedom.

It just takes a little discipline in the beginning for me to remember that I am an athlete and athletes take care of themselves, so why wouldn’t I?

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 20

Did I tell you I got a nutritional therapist?

I was afraid I was becoming addicted to sugar.

It runs in the family.

And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be like my family.

I want to be better.

So I hired her.

And we took a deep dive into my family, into my trauma, and into why I sometimes emotionally eat.

And she started slow.

She suggested increasing my water intake.

And making healthy brownies instead of buying chocolate.

And that helped.

But that rejection the other day triggered another emotional response.

And the first day, I surprisingly didn’t eat my feelings.

I felt alright and I thought I talked it all through with my friend back home.

But then the weekend came.

And with it came the shopping, the distractions and the reach for old, happy memories.

And honestly I don’t feel shame about it.

Because I know why I did it.

I have pain inside me that needs to be seen.

I need to cry more and I’m really bad at making time to cry.

But I know I need to try because this pain has been with me for a decade now at least and I’m tired of getting so hurt when people don’t want to be my friend anymore.

It’s just getting ridiculous, you know?

Because I know my worth.

And I am a good friend.

And I am a good person.

So if I know this about myself, then I shouldn’t let these comments or actions stick to me.

I should treat them like rain on a duck’s back and just let it slide right off me.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 15

Today I feel encouraged.

Excited.

Thrilled for the evolution of women.

Because lately, I’ve been meeting more and more women who are okay with not having children.

And people, this is a big deal!

Because when I was growing up, I was surrounded by young, christian girls who believed their soul mission was to find a man, wait for sex, get married, and then pop out some babies.

And it was fucking discouraging for me to live up to such a mundane existence. And such a stringent one at that!

1. Waiting for sex? Shit I tried and I even pat myself on the back for getting to 20 years old at least. But it wasn’t for me. My libido was insane growing up and I wish someone had told me it was normal, that it was okay and even went so far as to hand me a vibrator. Because that would have been alot more fruitful than seeking dick for seven years and thinking I was a slut or worse, a bad christian.

2. Marriage? Nah bitch. This girl is too traumatized for that shit. I was raised with fighting, miserable parents staying together for god and the kids. I don’t want that.

3. Babies? Now that I’m thinking about once in a while, but the difference is I actually feel no pressure about it.

I feel very okay with having one or not having one.

And I even feel more okay having one and not being married first.

I know.

Shocker.

But yeah, meeting all these strong, beautifully capable women tell me they are pretty “meh” about the whole idea, is actually really exciting for me. They don’t feel rushed. They don’t feel confined.

They feel free.

And isn’t that a fucking victory for us?

I mean, it feels like it to me god damn it!

So let’s raise a glass to all the women out there deciding their life is more than just a vessel for children and pray those around them have the eyes to witness this evolution without being absolute fuckwits.