Posted in Being Vulnerable

Anorexic Anxiety


If this post is triggering for you, please do not read it.


It all started when I was 10. I started covering my tummy with my arms. I started seeing the skinny girls in the magazines at the grocery store counter. I started realizing that I wasn’t skinny, and my brother saw this anxiety in me and told me, “It’s just baby fat, Brooke. You’ll grow out of it.”

Once we moved to Sacramento, I started playing volleyball. Volleyball helped me immensely. It gave me confidence, comradery, and a fit body. But I was still insecure.

I knew other girls at my school were going through the same thing. I could see them sneaking to the toilets and I’d follow them in minutes later seeing them rinse out their mouth.

But I didn’t take on their choices.

Throwing up has never been appealing to me.

Instead, I started taking colon cleansers.

Why not let it come out the other end instead? You know?

And that plus starving myself worked.

And of course, dating a boy who was also anorexic fuelled the obsession even more.

I lost a lot of weight my senior year of high school.

A few girls even wanted to know my secret, but I never told them.

I then became vegetarian in college, another boy influence.

This helped maintain my low weight because of the low-calorie consumption.

But I started getting sick. My immune system started failing and luckily, I had mentors along the way telling me, “If you want to reach your fitness goal you need to eat more, Brooke.”

Thankfully, I listened, and I started eating more.

My gains in the gym then became significantly noticeable. I was finally reaching my goals; however, I was still dating men who were living by my same fears of “not being enough” and these relationships hurt me.

But one day, I met a boy who was secure with his body and I was astonished.

His laid-back attitude left me defenceless. I had never met anyone so naturally confident in who they are, and boy was it attractive!

So, I moved here and got lost in him like I did with the others, but this time the pendulum swung the other way. I started overeating. I felt so safe with him that I over indulged. I’d eat what he’d eat, thinking I would be fine, but in reality, I had again stopped listening to myself.

 And here I am now, 8kg lighter after months of discipline, focus and listening.

It takes courage for me to tell this story, but I hope it resonates with you that anxiety comes in many forms. Most people with anxiety fear uncertainty, therefore they create structure in their life in order to cope. This structure can then become very rigid and obsessive, but I promise it doesn’t always have to be that way. Releasing control and accepting small pieces of uncertainty will help you recover. It just takes practice.


Love y’all


Posted in Being Vulnerable

Bleeding from the inside

You don’t know this, but your discomfort with my tears caused more wounds than I’ve been able to heal.

I’m bleeding with shame, caught in your trauma.

You think I don’t remember, but your face said it all.

“I can’t handle this”, it read.

So I’ll make fun of her instead.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Accept the wins

I’m proud I logged back into work and caught up on some emails for 2 hrs.
Totally procrastinated all day. Did other stuff all day but got it done.
Did stuff such as:
Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.
Made coffees.
Took laundry down.

Put my clothes away.
Reorganized my closet and put my summer clothes in and winter out.
Meditated outside.
Had a long conversation about our future house with Josh.
Cooked myself brekky and lunch.
Went running.
Went through the weekly receipts with Josh and paid my bills.

And while doing that I did drink gin and tonic and beer and over eat some chicken and potato Josh made.
Not for any emotional reason.
Not because I was being impulsive.
I just love his cooking and I decided to say yes.
I know I’ll be bloated tomorrow.
And that’s okay.
I accept that.

Posted in Being Vulnerable


Why are we more insecure about our bodies than our hearts?

Where’s your heart at?

Is your love for others greater than yourself?

Have you sought to help someone else today?

Where’s your heart at?