Posted in Being Vulnerable

Too afraid of the past

I wish I had kept my old instagram. I wish I hadn’t started over due to insecurity. I would delete posts or delete my accounts when I started dating someone new. I didn’t want them to visit my past. I didn’t want them to compare our present to my past. I wanted a clean slate. But now I look at people’s instagrams who have nothing deleted and I feel envious of them. I envy their confidence in their past decisions, something which took me a long time to learn. I now love when I see posts of people’s ex partner’s still on their page even though they’re married to someone else. To me, it shows honesty. Something I wish I knew more about back then.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Dating me

I imagine dating me is like constantly changing lanes on the highway while watching a car crash.

I’m a zero to one hundred kind of gal.

What can I say?

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Journal 18

And just like that

I got rejected.

By another one.

Damn sensitive American girls.

And I can say that!

I’m American.

She thinks we’re not a good fit because on Friday she went to an event I went to and I didn’t sit with her.

Talk about unreasonable.

And no, she wasn’t alone.

She came with all her friends who were visiting from out of town. Our table was full. She had to find another table and I didn’t sit with her.

I’m sorry I fucked up.

In all honesty, I thought she was fine. She was catching up with her friends. But no, the girl got upset.

Now she doesn’t want to be friends.

Literally this is insane to me.

I actually apologized too.

I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I honestly thought she was fine hanging with all of her friends.

But nope.

She’s done.

Just dropped me.

And I’m a good fucking friend!

Literally when I was in college, I walked out of a class for my friend Catherine because she text me saying she needed me.

Yeah, I’m that girl.

I’ll move mountains for you if I have to.

And she drops me because I didn’t sit with her?

Such a fucking quitter.

And you know what sucks, it fuckin hurts.

Even though it’s unreasonable, the rejection still hurts.

I actually even cried when I got home.

Yeah, I can be a damn sensitive American too.

But you know what?

I’m not giving up.

I know my best friend is out there somewhere and I’m not closing up shop just because one girl can’t get over the fact I didn’t sit with her and all her friends.

I’m not miss hosty, okay.

You’re an adult. You can manage yourself at an outdoor concert.