Posted in Relationships

You me and relief

It’s weird for me

Being in this space of peace

With you.

I act like this evolution is new, but really we’ve been here from the start.

Agreeing on what we wanted from each other.

Maybe not forever, but close.

And of course I battled with my fear of abandonment and rejection our first year, but that’s normal.

And thankfully after that year we’ve been good.

It’s just been,

You want me.

I want you.

So we’re together.

And there’s no games.

Because we’re too honest for that bullshit.

And too German. Lol

But still, even through all the ease of this, I still find myself reflecting on how I never want it to end.

Us is good.

Us plus marriage and babies, well that’s fucking scary.

Because I see the stories around me and they aren’t too successful.

So of course it makes sense why I don’t want those extra things.

Besides the fact they’re completely unnecessary, I am honestly content with how things are and I don’t think people get that.

I don’t want the next big thing.

I just want you.

And that may be a rare concept to grasp, but it’s true.

You’re all I need right now.

I love you, boo.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Regret

I don’t often think of this day.

The day our grandmother died.

I had just run a half marathon and was told at the finish line, she was gone.

At the time I didn’t know how to hold that information.

Do I cry? Do I scream? What do I do with this grief and shock?

So I compartmentalized it.

But when I went to your house that day to pick up my laptop, you knew how to hold that grief.

You were sitting on the couch crying.

And I was scared by your tears so I did nothing.

I didn’t know how to empathize with you.

I wasn’t practiced in that kind of social situation.

So I left.

Even when you asked me to stay, I left.

I was so uncomfortable with your display of emotion that I had to leave and to this day I regret that decision.

Because I let you bleed with your feelings on that couch that day and every day since then I have been bleeding with remorse.

You deserved a friend that day and I wasn’t it.

And I hope one day you can forgive me for that selfish act because it’s been 8 years since then and I still don’t forgive myself for it.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Trees

As I grow beyond my pain, I’ve started to see your love for me.

The love you’ve always had for me.

And I’m struck by how immense it is.

It is like a tree growing up toward the heavens

With every branch getting wider

And every root getting stronger.

I don’t know how I neglected to see this tree of yours with its arms stretched open and size so large

But somehow I did.

And I’m realising now that no matter how often I stubbornly disregarded your tree, it still grew.

And no matter how many times I tried to saw it down, it still stood.

Your tree never wavered.

And here I am now, also growing and reaching for the heavens

Because you decided to plant my seed in the ground.

Love you, mom.

Posted in Relationships

Shitty rhymes

I’ve never had a love

That brings me to tears

I truly believe you come from above

Since before you, all I had were fears

Now that my heart is open

All I am is hopin

You never leave

Posted in Being Vulnerable

The almond croissant

Recently I had a big reaction over a burnt almond croissant.

The reaction went from disappointment to rage to grief to tears to seeking justice within 30 minutes.

It was alot to witness and alot to endure.

I still stand by my feelings that the croissant was burnt and did not meet my croissant high expectations.

But, I did nothing about it.

Because I’m ashamed by the idea of causing a public scene and because I wanted to rise above.

But deep down, I was crushed.

And also tired as I stayed up late the night before.

The whole drama though still sits with me because I know where those feelings were coming from.

They come from my need to seek perfection.

Which is what I’ve always done.

So when I’m faced with things or people or events that are below my standard of perfect, I tend to want to have a bitch fit.

Do I though?

Not normally.

But this time felt different.

This time I felt safe to express my deep dissatisfaction without being scared of seeming like a chronic complainer, which I loathe the idea of becoming.

Because I was with you.

I normally never complain because I was raised not to, but with you in this almond croissant fiasco I felt safe to be me.

The scared little girl who just wants to control everything so she doesn’t have to feel anything.

That was me in that moment.

And you held me in that same moment and said it’s okay to cry, I got you.

-B.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Nature is free therapy

When I was a kid, my mom would try to teach me to look up.
Look at that squirrel, Brooke!
Look at those flowers! They’re naked ladies!
Look
Look
Look

And I would.
Every time I would try to see what she saw, but I just didn’t care.
Her love of nature kind of bored me actually, but I pretended to love it for her because I saw how happy it made her.

But then I moved here and everything seems to have a different color to it. Everything seems brighter, newer, and maybe even more magical?

So I started looking up more.
I started seeing the birds, the clouds, and the trees the way she use to and I finally understood what she saw.

It was love.

-B.