My only way
is through pain.
My only way
is through pain.
“Let’s normalise crying”
“Crying is normal”
“Crying is okay”
For someone with trauma around crying, this message on a shirt would be greatly appreciated 🙂
I’m not insane
I know what burn out looks like
It is stress on steroids.
Hence the addiction.
But I don’t use the needle anymore.
Through pain of course.
But eventually, I learned
That my worth is not wrapped up
In my productivity.
Because it is already innately wrapped up in me.
Today I’m feeling rushed.
Like I need to respond to everyone
And then I had a dream about a baby that made me cry
And I think I need a therapist again.
The emotion that leaves you doing nothing.
As Brene Brown says in Atlas of the Heart, when she was overwhelmed, she was blown.
And right then, my world made sense.
Overwhelm for me feels like a slow fog rolling in.
I feel it creeping up in the morning as if it’s been waiting on the shores.
And yesterday was one of those days.
Yet I kept working anyway.
I told myself, I can’t take a mental health day every time I feel overwhelmed.
That’s not fair.
So I worked.
And then I cried.
On a teams call.
Yeah…I turned the camera off.
But damn I hate when overwhelm won’t let me ignore it.
It honestly forces itself outside of my body and onto my face with tears.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it so I let it happen.
And I said I was having an emotional day.
And luckily She understood.
But fuck I was embarrassed.
Why have I been trained to be embarrassed for my emotions?
They are normal.
And crying is actually beneficial in relieving stress.
So what my body forced me to do was good.
But my mind hated it.
And that is something I am realising I desperately need to change.
Who doesn’t always say the right thing
But tries anyways
I’m here for you.
The anxiety of trying to be perfect is real.
But the anxiety from the after math of being clearly imperfect is realer.
Like the realest real
It fucking blows.
And I’m here for that.
Because the recovery is such a beautiful mess to watch unfold.
This month I’ve decided to change it up.
Instead of just running, I’m going to trial 3 different gyms this month to see what classes work for me.
Maybe it’s from the new fall season or the conversation I had with a friend, but I feel inspired.
I’m ready to be pushed and since I’ve always wanted to try crossfit.
So I thought, why not now?
Why not start the same year I go back to visit my family after 3 years of not seeing them?
Why not show them what 30 can look like with some discipline and hard work?
Because I want to look fit.
And I especially want to look like the athlete I believe I am.
So here goes nothing.
Do you ever just want to go home and drown into your bed?
Imagining your bed will allow you to sink into the oblivion beyond the pillows.
I come back from vacation and I’m still exhausted.
Still barely motivated.
Hoping to find that spark of energy I once had.
Is it the never ending covid media cycle or is it me?
Why do I feel this way?
I’m not sure.
But all I know is
The answer is somewhere under my blanket.
Constantly I think of you
I thought I escaped from you
But now even an ocean can’t separate us
Your manipulation, fear tactics, shaming insults and screaming follow me
Why did I have to be raised by you
I try not to blame you
But my life feels ruined because of you
Yet still I love you