Posted in Being Vulnerable

Anorexic Anxiety

*EATING DISORDER RECOVERY STORY*

If this post is triggering for you, please do not read it.

 

It all started when I was 10. I started covering my tummy with my arms. I started seeing the skinny girls in the magazines at the grocery store counter. I started realizing that I wasn’t skinny, and my brother saw this anxiety in me and told me, “It’s just baby fat, Brooke. You’ll grow out of it.”

Once we moved to Sacramento, I started playing volleyball. Volleyball helped me immensely. It gave me confidence, comradery, and a fit body. But I was still insecure.

I knew other girls at my school were going through the same thing. I could see them sneaking to the toilets and I’d follow them in minutes later seeing them rinse out their mouth.

But I didn’t take on their choices.

Throwing up has never been appealing to me.

Instead, I started taking colon cleansers.

Why not let it come out the other end instead? You know?

And that plus starving myself worked.

And of course, dating a boy who was also anorexic fuelled the obsession even more.

I lost a lot of weight my senior year of high school.

A few girls even wanted to know my secret, but I never told them.

I then became vegetarian in college, another boy influence.

This helped maintain my low weight because of the low-calorie consumption.

But I started getting sick. My immune system started failing and luckily, I had mentors along the way telling me, “If you want to reach your fitness goal you need to eat more, Brooke.”

Thankfully, I listened, and I started eating more.

My gains in the gym then became significantly noticeable. I was finally reaching my goals; however, I was still dating men who were living by my same fears of “not being enough” and these relationships hurt me.

But one day, I met a boy who was secure with his body and I was astonished.

His laid-back attitude left me defenceless. I had never met anyone so naturally confident in who they are, and boy was it attractive!

So, I moved here and got lost in him like I did with the others, but this time the pendulum swung the other way. I started overeating. I felt so safe with him that I over indulged. I’d eat what he’d eat, thinking I would be fine, but in reality, I had again stopped listening to myself.

 And here I am now, 8kg lighter after months of discipline, focus and listening.

It takes courage for me to tell this story, but I hope it resonates with you that anxiety comes in many forms. Most people with anxiety fear uncertainty, therefore they create structure in their life in order to cope. This structure can then become very rigid and obsessive, but I promise it doesn’t always have to be that way. Releasing control and accepting small pieces of uncertainty will help you recover. It just takes practice.

 

Love y’all

B.

Posted in Living in Australia

Dinner time

You eat like a starving dog

With your lips smacking

And your tongue squishing and swashing before you decide to

GULP

I must add I have no idea how people like ASMR because I’m in between wanting to puke or punch.

The sounds disgust me.

The slurping

Crunching

Swallowing

Fucking finish your food already

Before I bellow

Posted in Living in Australia

Weight update

I’d like the record to show I am now at 73 kilos.

I started this weight journey at 79 kilos on May 30th and now I stand 6 kilos lighter two months later.

And I’m really proud of myself.

Cheers to me ❤

Posted in Living in Australia

Noom

Hey there,

Just here to say I’m still tracking my food, weight and exercise.

I actually don’t find it tedious. Surprisingly I find it quite easy, but I have always been fortunate with the ability to pick up habits quickly. However that fortune doesn’t show up in the long game as I am pretty terrible at finishing goals. But I think this time will be different. With all the chaos of covid in Sydney right now, this measly sense of control with my fitness journey feels good. Not only good, but safe. I feel safe when I see myself sticking to a goal and being in control. Obviously it’s not some linear graph of perfection. My weight has gone up and down as I’ve been tracking it, but I’ve learned that is to be expected.

I’ve also learned what one of my triggers are that make me over eat. It’s alcohol. I mean, I’m sure that’s obvious to you as it is most people’s trigger because who says no to a gin and tonic? Or a margarita? or a whiskey and coke? Or whatever else is nearby? I’m in a fucking lock down for Christ’s sake. I need a distraction. So yes, the alcohol speaks to me and tells me to eat that bag of chips or that McDonald’s soft serve ice cream or that big ball of cheese in the fridge. It has no qualms with what gets shoved in my face. Honestly it’s insane who I become when I have a drop of liquor. I might as well be called Shrek or Big Foot or Thomas the tank engine. My appetite literally becomes a behemoth I barely can control.

So that’s alarming. I’ve come to realize.

But it’s manageable.

I can simply choose not to drink.

Which I’m lucky is easy for me.

Or I can practice telling the alcohol/venom voice to shut the duck up.

Either way, I’m growing right?

And yes, I said duck instead of fuck.

Love you.

K. Bye.

Posted in Living in Australia

Eat the world

When I drink

I’ve noticed my brain flips a switch.

It goes from sweet, controlled me

To watch your fingers and toes because I’m about to eat the world.

And then in the morning I some how wake up with a sour patch kid in my mouth and headache in my eyes wondering, where did the night go?

Yet I take hope in these moments

Because I know life is full of second third and fourth tries

And with every late night regret there is always a morning reflection such as this to wake me from my funk and try again

So here’s to today

Of being less dramatic

And more free