Posted in Being Vulnerable

My accomplishments in life

My accomplishments

  1. I stood up to my dad and decided my own path in life
  2. I performed well in school and tried my best
  3. I ran a half marathon when I was 21
  4. I moved across America for a new job when I was 23 and I was all alone
  5. I have maintained my fitness passion since I was a kid
  6. I have gone to therapy and put the work in to emotionally grow as a person and have the language for my feelings
  7. I have moved across the world to be with someone I love
  8. I have made friends through facebook and have actually maintained friendship
  9. I have become honest with my family about my past trauma and decided to live a more vulnerable life
  10. I have chosen to create healthy boundaries in my life that I didn’t have before
  11. I have chosen joy over productivity
Posted in Being Vulnerable

Childhood trauma

When I was a child, I organized everything. My mom says, even my diaper bag was packed by me, I was that meticulous. As I grew up, I shared a room with my sister and the one thing we would always fight about was the order of the room.
I wanted it perfect.
I don’t think any of them realized this at the time, but the order kept me calm. It still does.
Because as a child I was anxious about everything: the dark, heights, strangers, under performing at school, and my dad.
I grew up during the time of belt and wooden spoon spankings, but I have to say the belt was worse. The snapping of a belt still triggers me.
Now that wasn’t all that worried me about him.
What really worried me about him was how volatile he was.
Every day was uncertain.
It was like walking in a war zone when you don’t know where the bombs are buried. I felt my heart race when he would snap his fingers at us to stop talking. I felt like hiding when he would start yelling.
I didn’t know where the abuse would land, but usually it landed on my brother.
My beautiful, big brother always protected us from him. And so did my mom.
My mom tried her hardest to shield us from his fury. But I know the damage this caused her.

You wonder where anxiety comes from, sometimes it comes from within your own home.

Please seek help for your childhood trauma.
You are always worthy of help.

-B.