Posted in Living in Australia

A little reflection on my career

So I majored in Finance, right?

But did I know what I wanted to do with that?

No.

I just chose Finance as a fuck you to my dad because he wanted me to do Accounting.

And I hated my Accounting classes.

Let’s be honest, no one likes accounting classes.

They’re full of dry words and jokes about balance.

So I chose Finance.

It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t miserable either.

And while I was studying I was also working on a hedge fund team for a major bank, so I thought this ain’t too bad right?

Until I realised after two years I was stressed, depressed and full of rage because my job was killing me from the inside.

But that’s the industry, right?

So suck it up, buttercup.

Yeah, nah.

So I moved across the country to another hedge fund team.

Now, that team I truly loved.

That team taught me everything and were also the first people who truly believed in me.

But then the company offshored my job two years later and again I was depressed and full of panic attacks.

So I jumped to another bank.

But this time not on a hedge fund team, but a treasury team.

This role was odd to say the least.

They hired me with no direction and left me to my own devices.

So what did I do?

I wrote letters to my pen pal.

For a year I got overpaid to do nothing.

But for the first time I wasn’t stressed or depressed, instead I was bored.

Very bored.

Next, I made a big leap and moved across the world to be with my pen pal.

I didn’t know where I would work or what I would do. I just knew what I didn’t want to do.

Now, three years later I have an inkling of what I may want to do only through multiple trials and errors.

And I’m realising this shit is hard.

This whole career thing.

I’m constantly curious and anxious about everything.

I want to know how everything works, but then I get too overwhelmed to start.

And unfortunately, this world doesn’t give you too many do overs.

At some point, I need to choose.

But at the same time I regret nothing.

My journey has been interesting and full of beautiful people who have changed my life so I thank the universe for all of it.

Even if it hasn’t been niche.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Twilight reflections

So since I’m in lock down at the moment I decided to read the Twilight Saga. That’s a lie. I actually walked passed a Vinnys by my house one night and someone had decided to donate all the Twilight books to the op shop. As the op shop wasn’t open, I decided to take them since they were sitting all alone on the sidewalk. I felt bad for them. Of course, I couldn’t let them freeze out there. It’s winter, don’t you know?

Anyways, I saw the movies when I was in high school and remember thinking, Wow Kristen Stewart is really intense. She might be a tad over doing it with this obsessive girl friend thing. But now I am reading the books and see what all the fuss was about. Bella is quite literally a very anxious, obsessive character. I mean, one could say that sort of behavior aligns with a typical high school girl in love and I wouldn’t technically disagree with that someone, but damn it makes me wonder.

Was I that bad?

Because I remember the days of texting incessantly and clinging to every moment I could spend with my high school boyfriend. I was definitely insecure, anxious and obsessed. It was my first love. I had no self esteem built up.

So now as I am reading each book I am getting more and more attached to this vampire lover who before I couldn’t stand?!

Jesus Christ, man.

Reflections of past selves are hard to swallow sometimes.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Too afraid of the past

I wish I had kept my old instagram. I wish I hadn’t started over due to insecurity. I would delete posts or delete my accounts when I started dating someone new. I didn’t want them to visit my past. I didn’t want them to compare our present to my past. I wanted a clean slate. But now I look at people’s instagrams who have nothing deleted and I feel envious of them. I envy their confidence in their past decisions, something which took me a long time to learn. I now love when I see posts of people’s ex partner’s still on their page even though they’re married to someone else. To me, it shows honesty. Something I wish I knew more about back then.