Posted in Living in Australia

Small touches

He told me he knew it was over when the small stuff stopped.

The hand holding, cheek kissing, playful stuff.

I asked him, “When is the last time you two had sex?”

He said, “Oh all the time!”

“But it is routine now. We’ve been together 9 years so I know when it’s gone.”

The love, that is.

I thought this so bizarre.

Because I couldn’t relate.

If I am done, then there is no touchy touchy happening.

But I guess for them, habits were hard to break.

Posted in My Poetry

Walking poems

Reaching for you

As you descend into dust

Hoping and praying that it must

Not be true

That you and him

Can make it work

If only it was that sim-ple

But he is not your herc-ules

He is your enemies

Lover

And I hold the keys

Posted in Relationships

Why do we feel we need to sell ourselves in order to be loved?

“Hi, my name is Brian and I love traveling the world, playing soccer and hunting.”

We list our hobbies hoping for a match. We think if we have many, we are more interesting, but if we have one then we must be a master of it.

The extreme nature of trying to stand out is honestly more interesting to me than the actual connections themselves. The whole study behind the scenes of who is in it for love, sex or boredom is what keeps me engaged.

The swiping isn’t the fun bit.

The inventory of psychological trauma is.

-B.

Posted in Relationships

Shitty rhymes

I’ve never had a love

That brings me to tears

I truly believe you come from above

Since before you, all I had were fears

Now that my heart is open

All I am is hopin

You never leave

Posted in Being Vulnerable

The almond croissant

Recently I had a big reaction over a burnt almond croissant.

The reaction went from disappointment to rage to grief to tears to seeking justice within 30 minutes.

It was alot to witness and alot to endure.

I still stand by my feelings that the croissant was burnt and did not meet my croissant high expectations.

But, I did nothing about it.

Because I’m ashamed by the idea of causing a public scene and because I wanted to rise above.

But deep down, I was crushed.

And also tired as I stayed up late the night before.

The whole drama though still sits with me because I know where those feelings were coming from.

They come from my need to seek perfection.

Which is what I’ve always done.

So when I’m faced with things or people or events that are below my standard of perfect, I tend to want to have a bitch fit.

Do I though?

Not normally.

But this time felt different.

This time I felt safe to express my deep dissatisfaction without being scared of seeming like a chronic complainer, which I loathe the idea of becoming.

Because I was with you.

I normally never complain because I was raised not to, but with you in this almond croissant fiasco I felt safe to be me.

The scared little girl who just wants to control everything so she doesn’t have to feel anything.

That was me in that moment.

And you held me in that same moment and said it’s okay to cry, I got you.

-B.

Posted in Relationships

My current thoughts on marriage

It’s very American to want to get married, I discovered.

Being in Australia the past few years I’ve come to realize the pressure here isn’t so high. The culture is less religious and the people are more relaxed. Many people here have babies before weddings and no one cares about the order. No one frets or fusses. They just live.

If they get married eventually, cool, but it’s not a big deal and I love that about Australia.

Because, for me, I don’t believe marriage serves a purpose. I find the idea very archaic and misogynistic. I don’t want to change my name or hope upon all hopes that he proposes just right. Or that he asks my dad for permission? Ew. Or that my dad walks me down the aisle? Double Ew.

All I see when I hear the word “marriage” is a trap. One big fat trap.

And why do we need to bring our relationship to the next level? Why do we think marriage is more serious than dating? Who decided this? Can’t we just move in together and be happily ever after? Can’t we just get a dog and call it good? Who needs a ring and a promise of forever? That’s fairytale shit.

I don’t need forever. I just need right now. Do you choose to love me today? Cool. That’s all I need. I just need today’s love. I don’t need tomorrow’s love. I don’t need reassurance that you’ll always be there because I’m not naive to think that we can promise always.

There is no always.

There is just now.

Right now I choose you.

And that’s all we can do.

Posted in My Poetry

Seduce me

I want your words to surround me.

Entangle me in your mind.

I want to feel each touch from A to Z.

I want to hear you think.

So kiss me with each letter

Love me with each word

Throw me over your shoulder with each sentence

I want to see your power, baby.

For your mind is my play room

And your words are my master.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Twilight reflections

So since I’m in lock down at the moment I decided to read the Twilight Saga. That’s a lie. I actually walked passed a Vinnys by my house one night and someone had decided to donate all the Twilight books to the op shop. As the op shop wasn’t open, I decided to take them since they were sitting all alone on the sidewalk. I felt bad for them. Of course, I couldn’t let them freeze out there. It’s winter, don’t you know?

Anyways, I saw the movies when I was in high school and remember thinking, Wow Kristen Stewart is really intense. She might be a tad over doing it with this obsessive girl friend thing. But now I am reading the books and see what all the fuss was about. Bella is quite literally a very anxious, obsessive character. I mean, one could say that sort of behavior aligns with a typical high school girl in love and I wouldn’t technically disagree with that someone, but damn it makes me wonder.

Was I that bad?

Because I remember the days of texting incessantly and clinging to every moment I could spend with my high school boyfriend. I was definitely insecure, anxious and obsessed. It was my first love. I had no self esteem built up.

So now as I am reading each book I am getting more and more attached to this vampire lover who before I couldn’t stand?!

Jesus Christ, man.

Reflections of past selves are hard to swallow sometimes.