Posted in Being Vulnerable

Elsa is me in Disney

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I’m the queenThe wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they knowLet it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anywayIt’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m freeLet it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage onMy power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back, the past is in the pastLet it go, let it go
When I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Posted in Being Vulnerable

It’s not real

When I was a kid, my anxiety was managed through control.
I controlled my room, my performance at school, my hair, and eventually my body.
I believed the more structure I had in my life, the less uncertainty I had to face.
And it worked for a while, except if I lost my spelling book for example, I would have a full blown melt down.
I would become out of control with fear and stress that if I didn’t find my book I would fail my spelling test.
Yes, my friends, I was growing up to become a class A perfectionist.

As many of you know, perfection doesn’t exist. But in my dad’s mind, it did.
So I tried to be perfect. Again and again I studied and got good marks, but this didn’t improve my self worth.
Every validation I sought for was matched with “you could do better” or “your sister did better than you in this subject”.

And part of me believes he had good intentions. He wanted us not to settle for sub par. He wanted us to reach our full potential. And maybe that’s true, or maybe he felt so insecure of not reaching his own potential in life that he had to live vicariously through us.

I’m not sure. I’m not a parent.

All I know is this:

The idea of perfection will hold you back in life because

It makes you hyper critical.
It makes you less creative.
It makes you constantly compare yourself to others.
It makes you desperate for affirmation that “you’re enough”.

And it doesn’t exist.
Perfect is not real.

-B.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

My accomplishments in life

My accomplishments

  1. I stood up to my dad and decided my own path in life
  2. I performed well in school and tried my best
  3. I ran a half marathon when I was 21
  4. I moved across America for a new job when I was 23 and I was all alone
  5. I have maintained my fitness passion since I was a kid
  6. I have gone to therapy and put the work in to emotionally grow as a person and have the language for my feelings
  7. I have moved across the world to be with someone I love
  8. I have made friends through facebook and have actually maintained friendship
  9. I have become honest with my family about my past trauma and decided to live a more vulnerable life
  10. I have chosen to create healthy boundaries in my life that I didn’t have before
  11. I have chosen joy over productivity
Posted in My Poetry

Shameless killer

You’re a collection of my being

Every letter

Every word

I see as a part of me

These sentences are my appendages

I cannot move without them

But they do not come from my mouth

For I can not walk through my tongue

Only my writing can give me legs

So please understand

My voice is within me

Not outside of me.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Bless and block

From the great words of Glennon Doyle, “Bless and block, baby. Bless and block. “

When dealing with haters or toxic relationships just remember you are in control of your island. You choose who you let the drawbridge down for.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Joe Rogan podcast

“I let my trauma time travel.” – Jason Wilson

This episode has me feeling all the feels. Grown men, fathers, talking about their vulnerabilities always gets me teary. He told Joe, “Don’t let your trauma time travel.”

And don’t I know I do that. I not only let it time travel. I let it brood and take pieces of me. I drag it around with me like an anchor, yet never let it down when I get to shore. There is no shore. I just sail in circles brooding and shaking with anger.

But here is this grown man who has experienced a thousand more times the trauma than I have telling Joe to let it go.

It doesn’t serve you.

Stop bleeding and go get healed.

Life is more than just our pain.

Posted in Being Vulnerable

Therapy

You are my therapist,

Pen and paper.

The way you keep me honest

And centered.

I’ve never felt so vulnerable.

It’s like I don’t know what to say until I have you in my hands.

Your presence soothes me.

You let me breathe.

So thank you,

Because without you

My mind would be as blank as the page.